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Marshall Pierce
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Kitty Dunn

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The graduation speech you'll never hear

I've never been asked to give a commencement address, but if I was asked, I've got the speech ready to go. --Greetings, graduates, faculty, staff, and family. Like Vice President Joe Biden once said, this is a Big F*#&(ing Deal. You've managed to accomplish something, by getting a degree. And that's a pretty big deal. An actual accomplishment. That means either you've taken advantage of the opportunities that this fine institution has offered you. Or it means you've learned how to work the system. Maybe ten years from now you'll remember the symbolism in the novels of Joseph Conrad, the diameter of interstellar dust, or how to conjugate ser and estar. But you probably won't. There's a pretty good chance ten years from now you will remember your first room-mate from your freshman year, and the name of that girl who threw up and passed out under your porch. But if you're like a lot of college graduates, the most important thing you will have learned is how to do is to work the system. To get the most credits for the least possible work. You don't want your parents to know it...but you avoided some classes because the prof was too tough. You stayed away from others because they were too early in the morning, or they met on Friday. Who takes classes on Friday anyway? This works great in the Real World...bosses don't care if you arrive late and leave early. If you pass off other people's work as your own. Or if you do everything last minute. You're looking at me like I don't know what I'm talking about. But I do. All that does work well, if you're a member of Congress. So that's my advice to you, Graduates. After you leave here today, go file your papers to run for Congress. Hopefully you know somebody really rich to finance your campaign. Good luck. And Godspeed.

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05/14/2010 6:39AM
The graduation speech you'll never hear
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