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Jonathan Suttin

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Are You There God? It's Me, Jonathan

For years and years athletes have been praising a higher power whenever they have success on the field.  Many baseball players will kiss the tips of their fingers and then point to the sky.  Many football players thank the Lord in post game interviews for helping them win the game. I've always thought this was a little strange because does it mean that this higher power hates the other team?  If the Dallas Cowboys have a miracle play at the end of the game does this mean  God is a Cowboys' fan?  Really?  He can do better than that. One NFL player has finally blamed the Lord for his mistake on the field.  Steve Johnson dropped a game winning catch for the Buffalo Bills in overtime.  If he would have caught the ball, the Bills would have upset Pittsburgh.  That really would have been a miracle.   Johnson was so upset after the game he sent this unholy Tweet. Bravo Mr. Johnson.  You're right.  How  could the Good Lord above let this happen?  Well, we here at Jonathan's Jabberings have arranged an interview with The Big Guy to find out why. Me:  Hello Lord.  I know you're busy, but thanks for taking a few moments to talk with me. Lord: Yes, Jonathan.  It's my pleasure. Me: So, God.  How could you let Steve Johnson drop that pass?  Don't you like him? Lord:  Let's be honest.  He plays for the Buffalo Bills.  I don't really have a big problem with the team except for O.J.  I can't believe that guy got away with that.  Residents there have enough problems just living in Buffalo.  Creating Buffalo was not one of my best achievements. Me: Didn't they lose four Super Bowls in a row back in the early 90's? Lord: Yes but that had to do completely with their quarterback Jim Kelly.  When he was a 15-year-old he asked me to help him kiss Jenny Deanstag.  She was a girl in his English class.  His exact words were: "Lord, if you can just help me get a little tongue time with Jenny.  I'll never ask you for anything ever again." Me: So... Lord: He got his make out session with Jenny, but it cost him four Super Bowls. Me: Pretty hefty price. Lord: I know.  Here's the best part.  After making out with Jim she realized she didn't really like boys and she's been "playing for the otherside" ever since.  Which I fully endorse by the way. Me:  On a side note, do you watch me while I'm sleeping like Santa Claus? Lord: Aren't you Jewish? Me: Yes. Lord: So Santa doesn't stop at your house no matter if you're naughty or nice. Me: Good point. Lord: Anyway, I don't really have time to watch you. I'm too busy watching all these other sports where athletes are constantly asking me for help.  I've got soccer, football, baseball and basketball.  And that's  just on a pro level. Me: What about hockey? Lord: Are they still playing that professionally?  Anyway, I've got all the college sports and high school sports and little leagues to pay attention to all at once.  I mean I am God, but come on.  There's only so much I can do. Me: I understand. Lord: So you have to understand I didn't have time to pay attention to Steve Johnson's dropped pass. Me: So you're saying it wasn't your fault.  You had nothing to do with it?  It was all in Johnson's hands or not in his hands in this case? Lord:  No, I actually had bet on Pittsburgh.

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11/29/2010 5:14PM
Are You There God? It's Me, Jonathan
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11/30/2010 6:00AM
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Killer punch line
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